Without Him
by misswhiteblack
Summary: She never got use to him not being there ... How is she going to cope Without Him? Read & Review


I woke gradually stretching my arm out across the bed waiting for my hand to make contact with his body but it never did. My eyes flickered open to look at the empty bed. I sighed. I did that nearly every morning. I would wake and then reach out for him. He wasn't normally there. Sometimes he was but not often. I wish he was there this morning. I had a feeling that it was going to be a bad day. I don't know how but I knew in my heart of hearts that today wasn't going to be a good day. I remember when we were first married and every moment I woke he would be lying next to me. It always gave me a thrill to see him lying next to me. He was mine and seeing him in the morning confirmed it. Of course there were times I would go to bed without him because of work he was doing with the Order of the Phoenix but every morning I woke he would be sleeping next to me. Except one morning.

I remember waking to find him gone and at first I thought maybe he would be downstairs. He had been to check on Peter last night. James and Lily were in hiding and had been for the last couple of months. How I had missed them. I had fallen asleep thinking he would have been caught up with Peter or maybe gone for a drink with Remus. I could hardly believe that any of the marauders would want to betray another, especially James who had been my best friend since I was two years old. I waited all day until Aurors came with Dumbledore who told me Sirius had betrayed Lily and James to their deaths. My heart was no longer beating. Lily and James were dead. Harry was with the Dursley's. Peter was dead and Sirius was in Azkaban for murder. I tried to tell Dumbledore that Sirius hadn't been the secret keeper but he didn't believe me. Since then I was on my own. For twelve years I was without him and then he returned.

I fainted at my first sight of him. On our anniversary when he had returned to me ragged and thin. It broke my heart to see him like that. His beard was long and matted, his hair was much the same and his skin was pale and waxy stretched out over his face. He looked like a skeleton but I loved him. I still loved him with all my heart. I told him everything. I told him why I had run away. He was so upset to find that I hadn't sent our daughter to Hogwarts. How could I? The world thought her father was a mass murderer and that I was mentally unbalanced how could I send her to be there next to Harry to be teased and tortured? What if Harry had been told the false story of what had happened to his parents? He would hate Kerr and she would be despised throughout Hogwarts. I couldn't do that. Not to our daughter. I remember his shock when I told him that I hadn't seen Remus for the last twelve years either. He was horrified that Remus hadn't been taking care of me and Kerr. I couldn't let him do it. He thought Sirius was the traitor. I could not bear to be near him. Sirius was furious.

It felt so good to have him back beside me even if it was just for a little while. Then he left to go and get Pettigrew from Hogwarts. He meant to kill him once and for all. I wished I could have gone with him. Pettigrew tore my brother, my best friend, my husband, my godson, my friends and almost my daughter from me. I wanted to kill him with my bare hands. I knew that Sirius would be back with me soon though. I knew that soon Pettigrew would be dead and Kerr and I would have Sirius once again. It didn't work out that way. Peter escaped and Sirius was forced into hiding but he had come back to stayed with Kerr and I. It felt so strange being a proper family again even though I had to hide him. Kerr had been delighted to finally have her father back and I was delighted to have the love of my life back with me. I had longed for him everyday since they took him from me but now he was back at least for a while.

He had to go for Harry in his fourth year but he returned shortly with Remus telling me everything that had happened to Harry in his Fourth year and to tell me about the Order of the Phoenix being re-established. The Order of the Phoenix which we had all joined when we left Hogwarts. James, Lily, Remus, Emmeline, Peter, Hesita, Sirius and I, we had all joined to combat evil, to defeat Voldemort. Then the prophecy and James and Lily were suddenly in hiding. It had all gone to quick. Now the Order had been revived and I would join it. Dumbledore asked me to stay in Scotland and recruit for the Order as best I might. We arranged for Kerr to be transferred to Hogwarts for her Sixth year and I am glad that finally we will be a family once again for Sirius is down there in London in his parent's old house and I can hardly bear being separated from him.

I rose from my bed and dressed quickly. Kerr would be arriving home in the following week and I couldn't wait to have her back. The house was so empty without her and I didn't like it. I always felt better to know that she wasn't that far away. I love my daughter so much and I would never, ever give her up. She always kept me going when I thought I'd lost all hope. When Sirius was gone Kerr kept me alive, kept me going, and kept reminding me of his face. Every time she laughed I could swear he was in the room. They are so alike. The living room which I now enter is decked with pictures of our little girl as she grew up. There is only two that don't hold her face. One sits on the side desk, a picture of me and Sirius on our wedding day and the other of the mantle place which has all eight of us on our last day at Hogwarts Witchcraft and Wizardry. I love that picture so much.

I had only just sat down with a coffee and the newspaper when there was a knock on the door. I rose to my feet, set my coffee aside and moved through the kitchen to the front door wondering who on earth would be calling at this hour. Perhaps it was Ian, the father of my daughter's boyfriend, Fergus Fraser. He was practically my only friend in the whole of the muggle village in which I lived as he was the only other resident from the Wizarding world. Then again it could be old Mrs. Nosey Park from next door. She was always grilling me with questions about Kerr's schooling. I always replied with the same thing. Kerr went to a good boarding school.

I opened the door slowly to reveal the tall, old man with long silver hair and a long silver beard which he had to tuck into his belt. He stood fully dressed in Wizarding robes looking extremely grave and worried. I immediately opened the door to allow him in. He inclined his head gratefully at me but didn't say a word and he passed through the doorway and into my kitchen. I closed the door behind him worriedly. I had only seen Dumbledore so grave once before when he came with the news of Lily and James's deaths.

'Serena,' he said softly as I ushered him into the living room.

'Professor, you have no idea what a surprise this is,' I said softly smiling slightly at him. 'I didn't even know that you knew I lived here. Did Sirius tell you or Remus? I mean we've had correspondence but …'

'Serena,' he interrupted. 'I have known you have lived here ever since you moved. Please don't think me ignorant to your reasons for moving nor your brilliant attempt to cover your tracks. You may a fooled the Ministry but you will never fool me my dear girl. The smartest witch in Britain you may be but you were under my tutorage for many a year at Hogwarts. I have come with some news.'

I saw his mouth moving as his lips formed his name but I didn't want to believe it. It was all too much. I couldn't do it. He couldn't be. After all this time he couldn't be. I had barely survived the first time they had taken him from me I would never bare it a second time round. What was I going to say to Kerr? What was I going to tell her? What about Harry? How was he feeling? I stared at Dumbledore hardly believing the words uttering from is old mouth. It just couldn't be true. Not my Sirius, not my husband. Why did everything have to happen to my friends? We never did anything but exist and love each other. We were always fighting the good fight. I couldn't do this. Not for a second time.

'I'm so sorry Serena,' came Dumbledore's voice in comfort as I stared at our wedding photo over his shoulder. I couldn't do this. Not any more. I couldn't go on without him here. I couldn't do this for a second time. I couldn't do this to our daughter. What was I to do? I couldn't … I couldn't cope.

'Serena.'

I turned my tear filled eyes to kitchen and there stood looking rather dishevelled was a distraught Remus Lupin looking extremely weary and very upset. I was on my feet immediately and before I knew it I was in his arms sobbing my heart out. I was so glad that Remus was there. He was the only one who knew exactly how I could feel being robbed of nearly everything and everyone. I couldn't do this.

'I can't do this without him,' I whispered.

'Neither can I,' Remus whispered back clutching me tightly the sound of tears in his voice, 'but with your help I am willing to try.'


End file.
